How can we as mother’s and Orthodox Christians balance our lives in a positive way so that we can be selfless, caring for others, but not totally neglect our own selves?
What is selflessness?
According to the dictionary selflessness is the concern more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own.
As I grew up I thought I knew how to be an Orthodox Christian who is truly selfless. But as time goes on, I realize that I still have a lot to learn about the act of selflessness and putting others first.
The type of personality that I have is Type A. In my mind, everything has to be perfect and in order or I have failed. I have to complete every task to the best of my ability, or more. I also over analyze a lot of situations. I always think more about what someone else is thinking than I should. This combined with trying to be selfless sometimes does not end well.
For example, when I became a wife, and later a mother, I always thought that I had to put my family before myself. While this can be true sometimes, I have learned that there are consequences if I do not take care of myself too. When I do not take care of myself, I become an irritated person. Instead of communicating well with my husband and son, I snap at them for the silliest things.
Leaving the bread bag open so that the bread got hard? Instead of asking nicely for my husband to close the bag next time, I am sassy and say: "would it hurt you to close the bag? Now look the bread is hard and we have wasted it. You do this all the time." Or the time when my son broke the new umbrella. Instead of telling him that he shouldn’t open the umbrella indoors to play with it and if he was not careful this is the consequence, I got very angry with him and said: "Great job now you don’t have an umbrella. See what happens? You don’t listen."
Sometimes in my will to push forward with selflessness it takes a turn for the worst and I end up not being nice or Christ-like. As Christians, we all sin and have things that we do wrong. I’m thankful that I realize, most of the time, when I do something wrong or to offend someone else. (Sometimes with a hint from my husband.)
I once heard a story of a little boy who was asked a question by his teacher. The question was: Your mom has baked a cake. There are 5 people in your family. How many slices does your mom cut the cake in? And the boy replied: four slices. The teacher responded: boy, I do not think you know the right answer. And the boy said: you do not know my mother. She would say she doesn’t want any cake so that we all could have more.
This is the type of spirit that I want to keep in my home. Selflessness and sacrificial love are qualities that we mothers should embody.
To wake up early, sometimes, to prepare for the new day ahead and to stay up late, sometimes, to make sure the house is tidy and ready for the next day. To stay up throughout the night when our children are sick to make sure that their temperature does not get too high. To give constantly of ourselves and without thinking of our needs.
St. Paul saw the influence of a mother on his disciple St. Timothy, when he writes, “Timothy, I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.” Here, one of the early apostles followed the footsteps of his grandmother and mother in their journey towards the Kingdom of God.
When I think of selflessness and sacrificial love I often think of the 2nd century Saints, Sophia and her three daughters Faith, Hope, and Love. Saint Sophia saw her children tortured and murdered for being Christians in the persecutions of the Emperor Hadrian.
But there is another, less well known St. Sophia whom we honor on June 2.
Sophia had everything that a young woman could ask for: enough wealth to live comfortably, a loving husband, and six beautiful children. Sophia made certain that her children were brought up in the Christian faith. But with the cruel suddenness of worldly disasters, Sophia’s happy life came to an end during a plague epidemic. She watched helplessly as her husband and all six children were stricken with the illness and died. After a period of mourning, Sophia realized that she could not continue to harbor her grief, nor could she waste her life asking the foolish question, was God punishing her for some wrong she had done? She knew that, having been spared from the pestilence, God now expected her to live the remainder of her precious life in His service. Sophia consulted her parish priest, who helped her distribute much of her wealth to the needy, and then she opened her spacious home as a place of refuge for the many children who had been orphaned by the plague. She is said to have adopted more than a hundred children, and she loved, cared for, and taught each of them as she had her own biological children. Sophia became known as the “Mother of orphans”. A story is told of St. Sophia’s hospitality which is reminiscent of the Old Testament story of Elijah and the self-replenishing bottle of oil given to the widow of Zarephath [in 1 Kings 17:8]. Whenever anyone would come to St. Sophia’s house to ask for help or inquire about any of the children, she would always offer them a cup of wine. Strangely, the Greek urn in which she kept the wine never emptied no matter how many cups of wine she served. After many years, Sophia told this to her parish priest who assured her that she had been witnessing a miracle. This same priest urged her to take vows as a monastic and she continued her service and ended her life as a nun. The Psalmist said, weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” [Ps. 30:5]. St. Sophia shows us how this applies to the life of one who has experienced great sorrow, but who, through caring for others, received the joy of having served Christ faithfully. May we follow her example and may she pray for us in the Kingdom of Heaven.
How can we be like St. Sophia the Mother of Orphans?
Just like her miraculous urn that never ran out of wine for the people, let our love and kindness never run out when we are interacting with our family. Even when we too are having times of great sorrow, let us leave aside our cares of life, and serve Christ faithfully and interact with everyone with love, kindness, and joy.
There are some examples we can take and apply to our lives. They do not have to make us exhausted or feel like we are neglecting our own selves, but are small ways to show our love and lack of focus on ourselves. We can take these examples and use them in our lives to live a focused life in Christ, which is selfless and with love.
In Psalm 143:8 we read: Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You.
God shows us His loving kindness, that is His love and mercy, in every minute of every day.
1. How can we show loving kindness to our families? My husband and I have previously read a book that was titled “The 5 Love Languages.” In the book, the author talks about how people express love in different ways. Some people show their love by receiving gifts, some by words of affirmation, some by acts of service, others by physical touch, and others by quality time. Think about the way that you express love.
For me, personally, I prefer quality time, reading books together, going for a walk, and relaxing together like a family; and words of affirmation, expressing my gratitude and love through words and conversations.
Consciously try and pick two times in the day to practice loving kindness to your family. You can choose a family member for the morning and another for the night. Do something, say something, give a hug, make a delicious treat, or sit together without distractions.
Practicing loving kindness is a way that you can be selflessness. Just a few nights ago, Moses and I were on a walk to go to the market. We saw two people hugging on the sidewalk. Without even thinking he said: “Mom, those two people love each other. They are having a family hug. You do that when you love someone. Just like I love you and Babi!” Your children will instill the mindset of loving kindness.
This goes perfectly with the next step.
2. Perform random acts of kindness. This is one of my favorite ways to show my family that I care.
If you prepare a lunch for any of your children or your spouse, grab a small piece of paper and write a bible verse or a short sentence: have a good day! Love you! Can’t wait to talk about your day later! It doesn’t have to be long or an essay, but it is a nice surprise to let your family know that you are thinking of them during the day.
Another random act of kindness that I like to do is to bake sweets for our friends and families.
When we went to school in Boston I learned a beautiful tradition from our neighbors. One day, I had given them a plate with some cookies that I had baked that night. A few days later, Laura, the wife, had knocked on our door. She had my plate to give back. But it was not empty. She explained that she had a tradition in her family that you never give a plate or container back empty. You always put something in it for the person to enjoy. I try to do this today. I also find that baking is a more affordable option to buying presents for people. It also takes more time and a lot of thought, and who does not like a warm baked cookie?
Performing random acts of kindness is a way that you can be selfless. Not thinking always of what act of kindness you will get in return is a main point in being selfless. Rejoice in the emotions that the other person, especially family, feels when they are on the receiving end of the act of kindness.
3. Treat others how you want to be treated. I remember when I was younger I had a teacher who would constantly yell at us. If we did something bad? She would yell. If we did something good? She would yell that we should have done it better. She never seemed like a happy person. One day, a classmate of mine, Michael yelled back at the teacher. As he did this we all sat with our mouths wide open. Why was he talking to the teacher like that? Doesn’t he know that we don’t talk to teachers with a loud voice or mean words? She immediately yelled back at him. And he said that because she treated us with yelling and mean words, that she obviously wanted to be treated like this as well. He repeated the rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.
Ever since that time, I remember, if I use a mean voice, mean words, or ignore someone, then that is how I am asking them to treat me. And if I treat them with a nice voice, nice words, or show them love, then that is how I am asking them to treat me. Personally, I feel a lot better and happier inside when I am treated with love and joy.
We’ve kept this rule with our son, Moses. Sometimes he catches my husband and I when we get irritated with one another and start using a not nice voice or not nice words. He yells “Mommy, Babi, you need to use a nice voice with love!”
Treating others as you want to be treated is a way to be selfless. You do not be kind to someone only for the sole purpose of them being kind to you. You do it because that is what Christ calls us to do. You treat other people as you want to be treated because of how it benefits them, not you.
4. Practice patience. A phrase I heard more than 1 million times when I was younger was “Alexandria hurry up!” My mom always thought if we were on time, we were late. So we always arrived early to everything.
Now that I am almost 30 years old, I get very anxious when I have a schedule that I need to keep and my sweet son, who is only 3 and ½, likes to take his time getting ready.
His pants are never right; He has to go to the bathroom; Where did his other shoe go?; He needs a different cup of water; Where did his favorite car go?; He has to go to the bathroom again; He doesn’t want to go where we need to go.
The list is endless. But something that I have stopped doing, or nearly stopped, was demanding that he hurry up because I have someplace to go. At 3 and ½ he already has a million things going on in his brain. It takes him hours to decide on which pants he wants. He sometimes forgets where he took off his shoes. Instead, I try to be a little more “Albanian.” I try and go slowly and be more patient with him.
Sometimes this means preparing him first thing when he wakes up for the day ahead. Most days Moses wakes up asking: what is the agenda today, Mom? Telling him our plan for the day helps him to see what the day will be like. It also helps me to be more prepared for the day, especially patient, because most of the time he will have his own agenda that he wants to do, and it never coincides with what I need to do!
Practicing patience is a way to be selfless. It is a way for you to practice your own self control.
5. Listen to listen when other people are talking.
How often when we are in a conversation with someone do we listen to them only to respond to what they have to say? Personally, my mind is always racing and it never stays on one subject. Something that I have tried to practice more, is to try to focus less on myself and to try to listen to listen, not to listen to respond. Instead of listening to your best friend complain about their day, then respond by complaining about everything in your life, just say: wow, I’m sorry that you are going through that. Is there anything that I can do to help?
When you practice the act of listening to listen, instead of listening to respond, you will be surprised at how focused your mind will become. I see this especially with my son and the students that I teach. Most of the time a child just wants to be listened to. They do not need a lecture or to be told what they should or shouldn’t do. There is a time and place for that, but it is good for them to know that we can listen and just listen. This also is extremely relevant when we are praying. How often when we pray do we sit in silence, listening for God? How often when we pray do we do all the talking? It is not quite easy to do this, but it is something that I am trying to do more of. When I wake up in the morning, I try to lay for 5 minutes in silence. I practice breathing in and out evenly and make my cross. Then I try and focus on Christ and not on the day that I have ahead. This has really helped to ground my day. I do not try and be distracted by my phone or the things that I have to do for the day. It has made for a more relaxing morning focused on Christ, and not on myself.
Listening to other people when they are talking is a way to be selfless. Thinking of them and how they say they are feeling is so very important. Not putting your own feelings and thoughts into a conversation is okay. Affirming and connecting with people, especially family is essential to being selfless.
I want to conclude with sharing a story with you.
We recently were at the Seminary in Shen Vlash for the Clergy Wives Conference. Presvytera Renee, while in America, purchased a ginormous blow up beach ball. She brought it with her to give to Moses. While at Shen Vlash, Moses was having so much fun playing with the ball.
The whole afternoon he was playing with this ball that was 10 times bigger than he was. Everyone who came by, he told them how awesome this ball was. Before he went to go take a nap, he was walking with his dad.
They passed the Home of Hope, where the children live who come from troubled homes and children live who do not have parents. Dn. Stephanos spoke with Moses about the children and how sad their situation is. Moses, realizing how difficult it could be to not have your mother and father, or families, decided to give them the huge blow up beach ball. He thought it would give them a bit of happiness in their lives. Afterwards, he was feeling sad because he did not have it to play with anymore, but he was rejoicing because he could share the joy he had with them.
Let us remember, we must instruct our children from the day they are born in Orthodox Christian life BY OUR EXAMPLE, in our every thought, word and deed.
